I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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