I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
