Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
