Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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