woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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