that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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