I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
