I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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