Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I am one with the molecules
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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