He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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