God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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