I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
