You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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