"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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