sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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