In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i would one night stand the shit outta him
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
