saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
