I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
