His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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