best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
