are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
