And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
