There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
