I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
