So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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