i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i drank out of a bidet.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
