look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
