I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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