as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
