Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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