life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
