Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
