Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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