if you like me you must not know who I am
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
