I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
