some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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