Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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