Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
