when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
