My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
