I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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