my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
FUCK WHALES
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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