Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I understand Curling. That high.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
