well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
