I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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