Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
