I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
