Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
