Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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