is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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